Do Not Avoid Eye Contact!

airliner-cramped-0809I‘m a pretty seasoned traveler, and for domestic airline travel I am a big fan of Southwest Airlines…most of the time. Lately it is pretty rare to get on a SWA flight that does not have every seat booked. And like most airlines, they are moving the rows closer together and making the seats smaller. Air travel is a truly uncomfortable experience. For the uninitiated, SWA does not assign seats so it’s first-come first-served when you get on board. There is no “First Class,” however you can earn or pay your way to “A-List” status which allows you to be among the first 60 on the plane and have first choice of the seats. I am one of the “elite” as I fly enough to have earned A-List status and my preference of an aisle seat is always waiting for me. The exit rows (more leg room) and aisle and window seats go first. The last to board get the dreaded middle seat. You always know that the flight will be a full one long before the plane is full because the flight attendants will begin urging the people to fill the middle seats. One of their favorite lines is “do not avoid eye contact.”

Eye contact! It’s not something most of us consciously think about. The boarding process is a great lesson in non-verbal communication—like putting it under a microscope. We are sitting there looking at our books or hand-held devices, or eating our sandwiches. We are sending out all kinds of non-verbal signals that scream, “do NOT sit in this empty seat next to me!” We sprawl over into the middle seat; place our coats on it to make it look like it is already taken. Put in those earphones so we can’t hear the unavoidable question, “is this seat taken?” A few people (not me, of course) have been known to cough and blow their noses loudly to dissuade others from considering the seat. Then the announcement comes, “do not avoid eye contact.”

That’s the game-changer. Now we know someone WILL be sitting in that middle seat. We might have a bit of power however,  because we just might be able to control WHO will sit in that middle seat and occupy our space for the next 2 hours. The implication is that if we make eye contact, the person contacted will assume we want them to sit beside us!

You begin to scan the bodies in the aisle—you want somebody pleasant to sit next to you. It’s like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You don’t want someone too big, too loud, or too perfumed. You want somebody “just right!” You scan bodies avoiding the face until you spy just the right size person then you risk a look up to the face and the chance for eye contact. I typically want a female in that center seat, not for any salacious reasons, but simply put, they tend to not hog the armrest like a man does. I make eye contact, if I like what I see I will add a smile and hope for the best. Sometimes it works. But often I get the big guy whose one leg equals the two of mine. What you have to remember is that this game goes both ways, the person in the aisle is looking for just the right people to be wedged between for the next 2 hours. “Oh that guy has skinny legs, I’ll sit there.”

I pleasantly stand to let him in as I cough and blow my nose loudly.  (You did remember that I am an actor right?)

It is an interesting lesson in human nature. Something we actors are supposed to know something about. We observe people as a way to make ourselves more believable on stage. It occurs to me that something similar to “Do not avoid eye contact” should be happening in our churches every week as well. In some churches I see people giving off similar signals to the people in the pews each week. Many of us have our favorite places to sit, favorite people to talk to and routines that are comfortable. We often don’t stop to think that some of the people who are coming to the church are just like the last to board a SWA flight. They are looking for a place to fit in. We don’t usually want to admit it but we are saying all kinds of things to them without saying a word.

We need to come to church, and indeed to life in general, with our eyes wide open!

A Lesson from Mr. Bean – Is Your Church Visitor Friendly?

Okay, I admit it, I’m a big fan of Mr. Bean. One of the things that makes comedy work is when the audience identifies with the situation. One of the Mr. Bean episodes that I really identify with is Mr. Bean Goes To Church. Falling asleep, chewing gum, not knowing when to sit or stand… it is all a “been there, done that” moment for me. If you have never seen it, I am posting it here for your enjoyment.

In spite of all the antics that Mr. Bean brings to the scene, notice that for the most part he just wants to fit in. He is trying hard to follow the lead of those around him, working hard to look like he belongs.

In my previous blog I addressed issues related to hospitality that made me want to return to a church.  I want to go a step further–literally–and step inside the sanctuary. I want to talk about those things I have observed in a worship service that can make church visitor friendly. I realize that this is a bit more sensitive—I understand that different traditions approach worship in different ways—but there is still a lot of common ground that can be addressed.

1) Instructions Please! As a visitor I have noticed many churches assume that visitors may know more than they actually do.  It is confusing, as a visitor, when I am seated next to people who know when to stand, kneel, raise their hands, or shout “amen” with no prompting, but I don’t know. Just like Mr. Bean, when a song is being sung and half the congregation stands and the other half stays seated… I find I am trying to figure out what is the correct protocol.  As a seasoned church visitor, I get it… but to others who don’t have the same background I do, it can be confusing.  A visitor wants to fit in and indeed will feel extra nervous when they are uncertain what to do next.   A brief word of instruction from the worship leader can help to put us at ease.

This is especially important when it comes to communion. Am I  invited to participate if I am not a member of your church? Is it passed to me or do I go to the altar? Do I hold the wafer/cracker to partake as a group or do I eat it immediately? Some simple instructions would alleviate the stress.

2) Prayer Monitor! Prayer is important and hearing you mention pray requests and praying for those people in your church that need prayer is a good thing! However, I have been to a few churches where, based on prayer requests, I felt everybody in the congregation was either sick or dying. When the prayers are all bad news and there is nothing mentioned about good news, or something to praise God for, it can be depressing. This is touchy, I know…but you might want to monitor the requests and strike a balance between good news and bad news. Hearing how God is working positively in a situation, will make me want to return. Hearing the hospital roll call… not so much.

3) Money talk! Another touchy one.  And we all hear the criticisms out there that the “church is only interested in my money.”  I know that is not true.  I have seen the offering presented positively as a part of worship.  And then, just like the “bad news prayer requests,” I have heard offering appeals that make me want to run for the door. Fund raisers know that people respond better to good news than bad.  If all I hear regarding money is how far you are behind in your budget and how much we have to raise to repair the roof, I will probably come away with the dreaded impression that you really are only interested in my money. I have always appreciated the churches that tell visitors to let the offering plate pass them by, that this offering is for our “members only”!

There are other things we could explore, but I am not interested in getting into the “worship wars” over music style and debating the pros and cons of expository preaching. I am interested in seeing the church reach people who need to be connected to the body of Christ. Helping visitors feel at ease in the sanctuary is a good first step!

Do you have any tips or advice to help visitors feel more welcome in church?

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